Warning, naughtiness ahead

  Right under our noses for many years there has been an empirical measurement of good and bad. It's amazing that it hasn't been noted before and because I've now brought it to your attention, you'll notice a lot of unnecessary confusion and conflict just melt away. The way I realised this phenomenon existed is an odd one and unfortunately it opens the floodgates for all sorts of mischief. What am I on about?

  A couple of days ago I awoke to find my stocking had a very large piece of metal crammed in it. The steel in question is an amazing synthesis of form and function, (with a price to match), and could have only arrived there by one method. How did it happen? It happened because I was not mentioned on Santa's naughty list.

My new favourite piece of metal.

  It will come as no surprise that I do my best to be right at the top of that list, yet year after year I get a visit from the fat fucker. If you, (or anyone you know), is pestered by the tubby philanthropist then you're clearly on his 'good' list and can continue as you were without fear of repercussions.

  My endorsement from our bloated buddy means I'm just not trying hard enough, so expect me to really pull the stops out over the next year. To start the ball rolling I'm thinking that I should find some of those stupid mini-size dogs and hold them near my titanium Akropovic exhaust pipe while spinning up the engine to twelve thousand revs. We could take bets to see if they'd shit themselves or have their eyeballs pop out first.

  The problem with all this is that any attempts at naughty will be offset by my, (admittedly tiny), contribution to the planet's health from writing this gibberish. I think I have a solution. As a form of self-punishment for my transgressions, I'm going to give you more than a daily portion of my time and energy. In a few weeks I will achieve the milestone of one thousand straight days of blog posts, (that's right, a thousand!), and as a celebration I'll be organising a giveaway of some sort. There will be more details along soon. Until then, marvel at my beautiful new frying pan. Thanks Santa, you chubby moron.

Kirk out

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