Two all beef patties...

...special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onion, all in a sesame seed bun. If you're a semi antique like me you'll immediately recognise that list as the components of probably the world's most famous burger. There was a hankering from the management for this little indulgence but there was no way she'd be getting the genuine article. So what transpired?

  On previous occasions, I've paraphrased the great Michael Pollan who says you can eat whatever you want as long as you cook it yourself. What he's basically saying is that we eat way too much rubbish because it's far too easy. By taking the convenience and speed out of fast food, we get to appreciate what goes in to the preparation as well as hoping the quality of the ingredients goes up. I thought I'd take him up on his offer and treat the boss at the same time.

A VERY Happy meal

  Using the list at the beginning as my guide, I set about gathering the necessary elements. Before I dive in, I have to admit that I cut one corner. Instead of baking my own buns, I went to Meat Liquor, a fancy burger joint not far from me, and they very kindly gave me a couple of their buns. It's arguably the most time consuming element so I definitely could have made a bit more effort but maybe next time. Anyway, back to the list.

  The two all beef patties were replaced by a scrummy lamb and beef mince mix, gently flavoured with a mix of cooked bacon, onion and mushroom. I googled the special sauce and found loads of people had posted recipes. I made one up and it was pretty tasty. Lettuce was easy, I shredded an iceberg and it was authentically soggy within a few seconds of feeling the heat of the burger. The cheese I used was a hard goat's cheese and it had a lot more flavour than the usual slice of rubbery, flavourless, processed crap. For the pickle, I used my home fermented kimchi because it would have been rude not too, and it added a fantastic astringency. Onions finished the package and as only a small amount went in, I hardly noticed eating them. I even sliced the bun into three for maximum authenticity. Job done.

  That only left the chips. Of course I had to go a little bit off piste, which meant I left the skins on and triple cooked them, but otherwise it was completely (ahem) indistinguishable from the original item but a bit better. I dare say that you'll be happy to take the opinion of the very small group of testers but the overwhelming consensus of those lucky enough to indulge was that it was way actually better than the original. And it's not often you'll hear me say this, but guess what I had for dinner?  Big mac and large fries, bitches!

Kirk out

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