Zen and the art of Mojito maintenance

  Many a bar has played host to my charms as a cocktail barman. (Only describe that job as mixologist if you want to be described as a bell-end). During my time I've been manager as well as tended bar and, as any barman will tell you, a packed bar is an amazing place to work.

  A lot of it is the theatre of the job with endless customers needing entertainment as much as they need a drink. There's one performance, however, that can ruin the flow and rhythm more effectively than anything else, and that is a mojito. If you're unfamiliar, chunks of lime are muddled (crushed with an implement like a pestle) with mint leaves and brown sugar before being soused with dark rum and covered in crushed ice (There's no soda water in a mojito, before you write in).​​​​​​​

Thirsty?

  They are not only very delicious but a royal pain in the arse. In my capacity as manager, I make a point of not putting them on the menu as the last thing I want to encourage is for the turgid ceremony to be endlessly performed. Even when they are not on the menu, someone is bound to ask for one, as they are one of the classics, and there's nothing more contagious than the sight of a bartender going through the ritual.

  For some reason if one person wants one, suddenly everyone wants one and a lightning fast bartender turns into a pedestrian producing the same level of frustration that would occur if when an F1 driver arrived for a pit stop and was sent on his way with a bicycle. I have even been known to ban my staff from making them at the busiest times, such is my loathing. But I just had the most delightful volte-face.

  Whilst chilling in the Spanish mountains with nothing but a great deal of time and a good supply of dark rum on my hands, I was able to knock up mojitos without all the previous stigma of my bartending years attached. For years, just the thought of knocking them up got me tutting and sighing like the worst Daily Mail reader, but I'm finally free and can at last enjoy the meditative ritual that comes along with creating a round. Cheers!

Kirk out

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