Nearly but not quite

  Tonight's email almost didn't get written. I was on the verge of calling it quits after almost eleven hundred straight days and that's because I'm in the middle of one of my bouts of depression. It's not something I broadcast, this is a first. Normally I just hide away when it's bad and wait for it to pass so I don't need to talk about it. Which I prefer because it generally ends up as a conversation which is a pretty excruciating thing to do.

  It occurred to me that I couldn't be feeling much shitter than I do now, so broadcasting about it wouldn't make me feel any worse and it might be informative to you if you don't know much about it or haven't experienced it. I realised I haven't articulated what I feel or go through and haven't heard from anyone who also suffers so this could end up as a useful exchange as I've not heard anyone else articulate their experiences, with one exception.

  I came across a very useful book a number of years ago called, I had a black dog, which helped me identify what was happening to me. And that what I was feeling occasionally, was depressed. It feels like fog descends, no matter how sunny or rosy my life is, a fog that strips my life of colour comes downing leaves me feeling lost, empty, unbearably sad and sometimes suicidal. Sometimes there are situations that trigger the darkness and that's almost a relief because at least there's a reason. Other times it just arrives and I have to buckle up and wait.

Cooking seems to help. I like cooking.

  I realised today that it's a bit like mourning. After my mum died I felt totally empty and there was no consoling me. Sometimes it's quite like that, an emptiness. I'm quite a sensitive bloke anyway but while I'm down I become hyper sensitive. That's one of the reasons it's so hard to talk; I react to everything anyone says. Any misunderstanding is amplified and I experience an emotional overload. If I'm alone, my thoughts spiral away to gloom, desperation and beyond. What helps is watching rubbish, (like cats on youtube) to distract me. Anything to take me away from my head will do.

  Many people who don't know what it's like will say things like, 'but your life's great. There's nothing to be sad about.' And while it's true, it doesn't help. Nor does, 'Have you tried...' If there was a magic way of lifting the fog, we'd know about it by now and depression wouldn't be a problem for so many people. One of the reasons I experiment with different diets is because I've heard it can make a difference but I haven't noticed enough of an effect to say that anything I've tried definitely works. Same with exercise.

  Normally, and this is what helps me get through it, it's just a matter of time. It has happened often enough that I know that if I wait it out, the fog will lift. What has also helped is talking about it. There are a few people who I feel safe enough to talk to about it and this helps with the feelings of isolation. One last thing is if I wasn't insecure enough already, this makes it a whole lot worse. I feel like such a burden talking about it. Which is why I need to finish with an apology for not being more interesting or fun this evening but I didn't want to stop blogging like this.

Kirk out

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